What If HE Retires First?

Adapted from the book  Project Renewment™: The First Retirement Model for Career WomenbyBernice Bratter & Helen Dennis       “Honey,” he said, “I was offered a retirement package I cannot refuse and want to accept the offer.  When can you leave your job?”      The timing of couples’ retirement can be complex, particularly when our husbands are ready to retire and we are not.  Women and men often have different retirement timetables for good reasons.  Women’s work histories often have been interrupted by staying home to raise children, relocating with their husbands as they further their careers and return to school for an advanced degree.  Also, many women are a few years younger than their spouses.  As a result, women may reach the peak of their  careers as their husbands may be ready to exit theirs.         “My husband, a former partner in an accounting firm, retired while I continued working.  I am surprised he is doing so little to be helpful.  I thought he would have dinner started when I came home or do more around the house.  His time is still his own as I continue to have two fulltime jobs.   After 40 years of marriage, I was hoping for more.”          We should not be surprised that most men do not like change.  In the early years of the marriage most men’s major commitment was to their work.  They typically did not engage in the “hands on” raising of the children and household tasks, and rarely drove car pools or took the kids to the pediatrician.  The phrase of a “stay at home dad” had not yet been invented.  Men approached changing a diaper as a one-time engineering event.  A dirty diaper was almost a 911 call.  Doing the laundry?   Cleaning the house?  Get real!  It didn’t happen.      That’s not the case today for many modern husbands.  Daddies drop off children at pre-school, sell Girl Scout cookies at their law offices, give their children baths, sit in pediatricians’ offices and help with chores and grocery shopping.  Today, men and women tend to divide family responsibilities on a more equal basis.  An indication that such a partnership will likely be sustained in later life is the increase of men providing care to aging parents, a role that typically has been assumed by women.     “My husband was ecstatic when I retired.  But, it was not for long. I got involved in several nonprofit organizations and took on a number of leadership roles.  I was thrilled.  He was disappointed that my activities meant that I would have less time for him.  One of the hardest things for me is to go off to do my activities and leave him home alone with nothing to do”.       Ben Franklin suggested we keep our eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.  Women of Project Renewment are wide-eyed.  We want to be able to share this precious time with our spouses while still having time for ourselves.  It’s a time to be supportive and to encourage respective outside commitments that will enrich our relationships.  But most of all this is a time to be good to one other.