When we remarry or partner up in later life we often enter into a complex series of relationships involving our new partner, his/her children and often grandchildren. This new, instant extended family can make for some pretty interesting challenges.
First, there can be issues with either yours or your partner’s children, who may not be in favour of your new union or feel that their natural father or mother is being replaced. There can also be issues around any changes to wills, which could delay or reduce their inheritance. Not a great position from which to start building some important relationships. Of course you’ve got a real disaster on your hands if it ever gets to the stage of “It’s me or your children”. Don’t go there.
The challenges don’t stop with your partner’s children. There’s grandchildren to be considered. While you may dote on your own grandchildren, you may be expected to behave the same way to your partner’s grandchildren, who you may not know all that well. Some mature partners may not be wildly excited about attending school concerts to see their partner’s grandchild singing in the choir
The question is – How do we handle this potential mine field?
The answer is – With great care.
Fortunately, we have had years to acquire some knowledge, experience and diplomatic skills. Honest and clear communication between you and your partner is essential. You both need to discuss these issues and lay down some ground rules for both yourselves and your extended families. If you don’t want to go to primary school concerts, say so upfront and explain why. There may be other activities that you would like to share with your new grandchildren.
Can I suggest that you don’t have these conversations after a family BBQ, when everyone has had a few drinks. Set a time aside to have these conversations where everyone involved is sober, awake and in a position to focus on the issues being discussed.
The relationships with your partner and family are generally some of the most important in your lives, so it’s worth devoting some time and effort to making sure that they are in good shape. Our two books cover communication and relationships and can give you some useful advice. You can find details on them on our Home Page.
Paul McKeon